Responding to bullying and cyberbullying
photo courtesy of Eddie~S via Flickr
Another middle-aged client presented today with chronic anxiety related to bullying she experienced in elementary school. I am amazed at how frequently clients report some experience of bullying in their past that continues to affect them even 30 or 40 years later.
I almost wrote about this issue after the Rutgers student took his life in September. Unfortunately, bullying seems to have increased among teens aged 12-18, according to recent polls. Increases may be related to the ease of taunting one another in cyberspace where people can hide behind their LCD screens. More than half of 15-16 year olds say they have experienced cyberbullying. But, frankly, I am often astonished by the cruelty being exchanged on Facebook by adults my age and older.
Who becomes a bully? A recent study at DePaul University found that kids who felt they were being arbitrarily punished at home were more likely to become bullies. Ironically, studies suggest bullies are not suffering low self-esteem. Often the bullies turn out to be kids that have popularity, intelligence, and a drive for power and status. Similarly, the kids that get picked on are often not the “nerdy”, “fat”, or so-called “different” kids. As Rachel Simmons wrote in her book “Odd Girl Out,” the girls who got picked on were usually girls perceived as being smarter, prettier, or more athletic than the bully.
On the other hand, there does seem to be an increase in bullying toward homosexual young people. The incident with the Rutgers student really brought this to light. Fortunately, this incident also seemed to promote more public advocacy for this population. Dan Savage’s “It Gets Better” video campaign has received over a million hits, inspiring straight and gay people all over the world. Even the federal government has gotten involved by holding the first anti-bullying summit in August and setting funds aside for anti-bullying programs in schools.
However, experts on bullying behavior like Izzy Kalman believe anti-bullying programs are the wrong approach. Dr. Kalman states, “… Anti-bullying” policies that turn a school into a totalitarian police state in which it is a crime for kids to upset each other will intensify the bullying problem… What I am interested in is victims and victim behavior. When I teach you how not to be a victim, no one can bully you. You don’t have to wait for society to get rid of bullies for you to become happy.”
Perhaps we can use Izzy Kalman and Dan Savage’s example by using cyberspace to build up immunity to bullying and judgmental behaviors. One of the things I love about Dr. Connelly’s philosophy in RRT is that we promote the resilience of the client. That’s what I did with my client today. She said it never occurred to her to recognize the strength and creativity she demonstrated through the bullying incidents. Instead of focusing on old feelings of fear, she left the session voicing increased awareness of her fortitude.
What do you think is the best response toward bullying and cyberbullying behaviors? Support anti-bullying programs? Build up immunity to bullying? I think ideally it will have to be some combination of the two. Let me know your thoughts!
4 comments
After 23 years in juvenile court, I believe that teenagers often learn from the experiences of their peers, not just from being lectured by those in authority. Consequently, “Teen Cyberbullying Investigated” was published in January, 2010.
Endorsed by Dr. Phil on April 8, 2010 ["Bullied to Death" show], “Teen Cyberbullying Investigated” presents real cases of teens in trouble over their online and cell phone activities. Civil & criminal sanctions have been imposed on teens over their emails, blogs, text and IM messages, Facebook entries and more. TCI is interactive and promotes education & awareness so that our youth will begin to “Think B4 U Click.”
Thanks for looking at “Teen Cyberbullying Investigated” on http://www.freespirit.com [publisher] or on http://www.askthejudge.info [a free website for & about teens and the law].
Regards, -Judge Tom
Thanks, Judge Tom for your comments. Your book and website look like a great resource. I appreciate the info you are getting out to teens and the community.
Sincerely,
Courtney
I saw the show on TCI on Dr. Phil. It is always good to raise awareness about this very serious subject. And I think the program is good. But not great. Kids (it can start a lot younger than teenaged years, Honorable Judge Jacobs) are not truly deterred by consequences when they are motivated by the irresitable temptation to hurt, control, dominate and humiliate another child- one that is earmarked for victimization for a variety of reasons. In my profession it is my experience that the best defense against making sure a kid is able to get out from under the abuse of a bully or bullies is raising self-confidence. This is, of course, a simplification of a sometimes more complicated issue (I often involve the parents for family work to partially accomplish this). But education and bully awareness programs in school do not significantly (enough, anyway) deter the often secret culture of bullying any more than the D.A.R.E. program deters kids from experimenting/using drugs and alcohol. Don’t misunderstand me….it helps, but is not THE answer.
If your child is being bullied, please do not stop at the ol’ cliche of “tell an adult.” Bullying is a culture-of-youth phenomenon that escapes most adults, and children KNOW THIS. Most would rather chew broken glass then be a snitch and deal with that fallout. Take him or her for professional help to a therapist who specializes in this type of trauma so they can combat the problem and debilitaing cycle of victimhood with inner strength.
And keep the school programs. Couldn’t hurt.
Christy, thank you for this excellent, thoughtful comment. I agree bullying often starts before kids are teenagers. Middle school aged kids are much worse about bullying than high school kids. I, myself, was bullied in the 5th grade. You are right that I would have preferred to die than to report it to an adult then. The bullying eventually stopped when I began to outsmart the bully kids and refused to give them any power or credibility. But, I would have appreciated a supportive, compassionate counselor who could have guided me along the way. Your comments demonstrate that bullying is a complex issue that requires a combination of strategies beyond the school programs. Yet, like you, I think the school programs can’t hurt and may help to get parents more involved.
Thanks again for your thoughts! Good advice!