Managing Traumatic Grief during the Holidays

photo courtesy of nieve44 laluza flickr

How do you get through traumatic grief around the holidays, especially if a holiday marks the anniversary of a traumatic loss? Below are some ways that others have found to deal with their grief and ease the pain this time of year.

1. Alter your traditions- Sometimes it helps to do something different, even if it is just one thing, to shift the focus off the loss. I’ve known families who have decided to go away to the beach or some other place that has fewer associations with the loss. Others want to keep old traditions, but may just change them up slightly, signifying a fresh start.

2. Special tributes- One way to alter your tradition may actually be to include some sort of special tribute to your loved one during the holiday get togethers. You might light a special candle in honor of your loved one at the holiday table. Or, you may give people the opportunity to share special memories of your loved one verbally or in writing. You may just have a moment of silence to remember that person at some point in the day. A special tribute is not meant to highlight the loss, but rather to honor your loved one and affirm their presence with you through this holiday season.

3. Give yourself alone time- Grief can zap you of energy, so its important to plan some alone time time to rest. You do not have to attend every event, or endure the duration of each event. Find a balance between solitude and socializing.

4. Let others know its okay to talk about your loved one- Many people avoid mentioning the name or any memories of the deceased for fear it will be awkward or painful. But, most people enjoy hearing stories about their loved ones. Let people know, and reassure them if it is okay to openly talk about your loved one.

5. Attend special services or support groups in your community or online- More people are recognizing the value of having special services to honor those we’ve lost and support those who are grieving this time of year. On this blog, I’ve written about Blue Christmas services that many churches are now offering. If there is no such service in your community, perhaps you can get a small group of family members or friends to create one yourselves.

6. Remember it is just one day- The anticipation of a holiday or anniversary is often worse than the actual day itself. Remember this is just one day, one week, one season. You do not have to relive your loss or dive headlong into your grief on this day to prove how much you loved someone who has died. Instead use this time to acknowledge your gratitude for having known the person and find ways to affirm their presence with you throughout the season.

Take care and be well.